I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve gone to dad’s house to try to escape and feel better. I’ve tried going to the gym. I’ve had my best friend come for a weekend and she even helped with my house. I’ve spoken to my mother and tried to open up about how I feel.
Every small thing I don’t get right is eating me alive. I feel like I’m only failing. I am a bad friend. I am a bad business owner. I am a bad daughter. I am a bad aunt. I am in a relationship with someone I cannot see, so I am a bad girlfriend. I am a bad Christian.
I’ve gotten tattoos, drank, gotten more nicotine, tried talking to others, gone to the gym, broke things, cleaned my house, left everything dirty, cleaned again. Nothing is working. Why am I so sad? I have fleeting moments of happiness but I just want my person to be here and just hold me, because I just feel like I’m constantly holding all the pieces together and putting on a mask that everything is okay. If anyone knew the extent that everything was NOT okay at, they’d be worried and disappointed in me. And I just cannot look at everyones faces when they look at me with pity and sadness anymore, like I’m a girl in a bubble they can’t help. I’m so tired all the time, sick with anxiety, my body is breaking down. I just want to be normal again. Or to feel seen and loved in ways that help heal me. I don’t know if that would fix anything. I feel hopeless. Like this will never end. I need a break but I’m scared of taking a break and the breaks everyone is offering and I am taking are not helping. I want him. I want my person. I want a quiet morning in a bed being held for a long time. I want to be touched like I am cared for. I want late night giggles and to hold his hand. I want my mom to look at me and smile and me not feel like she’s walking on eggshells to not hurt my feelings because I know she’s not happy with my life. I want to be hugged and told how precious I am by my dad. I want to see my brother. I want to have drinks with my best friend and kiss my niece whenever I want. I feel so so far away from every single person I love. I’m all alone in my city. How did I get so far away from everyone? Maybe they just like it better being further from me…
I feel like I am constantly chasing home and have no where to go. I am alone. I am constantly screaming into an echo of my own voice reverberating back to me. I’m tired of listening to my own heartbeat.
How do I get the tired to go away? What do I do to make it stop? The vulnerability of opening up to someone is terrifying, especially since I hate talking. I can only speak about how I feel in written words. I am dysfunctional and broken.
I wish I had family and old friends closer to me. I wish I could call someone and say “Can you come over?” without feeling exposed. Without having to put somewhat of a mask on. Without an apology following it. Without thinking about if they’d care about if my house were dirty, if there’s food in the pantry, if my dog had a bath, if the grass is cut, if my bed is made or if there’s shoes by the door.
I wish I wasn’t raised and taught to look perfect, put together, stop being a mess, shape up, fix that, don’t let other people see you start to crack.
I’ve gotten so good at hiding the cracks I can’t find them. I can feel the steps I take grow uneasy as I walk through life now. I can feel the ground slowly move as it shifts under me, but I still walk forward smiling and just hope that the next step won’t cause extreme damage. Everyone’s looking, I can’t take the smile off. They can’t know the ground is cracking. Or how hard it is to keep moving forward for miles upon miles of a deathtrap with a smile and straight posture. Make it look easy. Make everyone proud. Be the best person. Continue to be shiny. Don’t fall. Don’t look down. Forward. Don’t hesitate. Don’t pause. Keep going. Forward.
All of the people that could see the cracks are far away. No one wants to see the faults anyway. If they really looked, they’d be able to see it. To hear it in my voice. To notice it in my eyes. No one wants to see. So shut the fuck up and move forward.
If I keep saying I’m okay, eventually it’ll be true. Right?
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