I don’t know how to tell everyone how guilty I feel all the time. How frustrated and scared I am constantly. How do I explain that it’s $400 here and $600 there for a dream I’ve lost at this point over and over again. That I don’t know what I want anymore because I am so tired. I felt called to do this by God and knew it was something I loved so much. Now I just always feel one step away from losing everything I’ve worked over a decade for. I’m depending on people who seem like they hate me over and over again and if they leave I will be alone and lose everything. I’m scared all of the time. I don’t have money for food because I just try to pay my rent and utilities. I am angry. I bet the good life that I had alone on a man who flopped and made my life harder and worse. I’m still angry because I wasn’t supposed to hold all of this on my own. I was supposed to have a house with a partner who could help pay rent and utilities and help maintain and maintenance my shop and I could grow my business. Now everything feels like it’s disintegrating in my hands and I just have to watch it all break down slowly. I don’t get medicine, I don’t get rent, I don’t get utilities, I don’t get a break. I’m tired and angry and scared all of the time and the only relief in the days that I get is the small FaceTimes with Robby when I feel like I have a person that’s all mine and maybe does potentially really love me. Then I think about it too hard and anxiety and pain and insecurity rush in of why would a man 1000 miles away love you when you have nothing, offer nothing, and are nothing. Then the guilt rushes back in. I weigh him down, I weigh my family down, I weigh my friends down. I’m suffocating on guilt. And the cycle continues over and over again.
How do I tell them that? I want to open up. I want to share things. But I am so scared. What if it’s too much for someone to handle and they leave me? Or they say I’m overthinking and overdramatic and just get over it. That’s all anyone says. So, I be quiet.
Wounded predators are still just prey.
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